Lizz (random_glitch) wrote,

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Mummy, Why Does it Hurt?

So I put it off for the weekend, but I really need to get cracking if I am serious about doing the damn thing. So here it is, Twilight. Or the first chapter anyway.

Oh, man, oh man. I already kind of want to kill myself. I can't really pinpoint the exact reason, but I feel like I am reading something I might've in grade-school. Oh, okay, maybe middle school.

So. Chapter One has Our Heroine, Little Bella moving away from glorious Phoenix, with it's lovely heat and dryness, to Forks, with it's constant rain and gloom. She is doing doesn't really say why in the first chapter, but I don't care and am going to say why anyway. Her mum is getting or has gotten remarried and now has someone who can hold her hand and make sure she crosses the street safely, and Bella, in am act of immense self-sacrifice-is pouting her way to Forks to get out of the way of their happiness. She keeps her brave face on despite the fact that she doesn't particularly care about her father - who as far as I know has done nothing to her, even going so far as to buy her a truck as a "hey, I'm glad you're here" pressie - and heads off for the rain.

When she gets there, she has to go to school, of course, and when she does there is the typical small-town stare fest. I know that this part is true, for I have lived in a small town my entire life and I remember how we used to get with the newbies. I will also, because it is the first chapter, allow that it is possible that one might forget the names of nearly everyone they meet in a new place rather quickly, and not rant about how little she seems to care that a bunch of her new schoolmates are going out of their way to be nice to her. There is one group of people that doesn't seem to care about Little Bella at all, and those people, predictably, are the ones she takes an interest in.

And here we meet the pale, pale, gorgeous and graceful Cullens, who are all practicing a bit of incest as they are all dating each other, despite being adopted into the same family. The only one who isn't dating someone in his family is Edward, the bronze haired, black eyed boy who apparently thinks that Bella smells bad. Honestly, I only wish that were it. He spends an entire period sitting as far away from the fair Bella as he can - because of course they are at the same lab table, this being Biology - and then races out of the class as fast as he can when it is over, and later begs to switch out of said class - presumably so that he can get away from the smelly girl. This makes Bella so angry she cries all the way home. I personally don't remember that piggy when my mom used to count them on my toe's, but hey, to each her own, right?

And now, for my commentary...

I don't get really why Bella (Bella Swan. I know it's been said before, but really, SMeyers? Beautiful Swan? Mmmkay, then) seems to hate her dad so very much. I also would never allow my child to force me into vacationing somewhere other than where I lived simply because she didn't like the area. No. Also, it's quite amazing her mother can walk and talk with her gone, considering that it would seem she can barely tie her shoes without darling Bella there to show her how it's done.

Oh, and mummy looks like her, but with laugh lines, does she? That's good to know, especially since we have no clue what our protagonist looks like as of yet...except she is probably scowling and frowning while thinking about how horrible her life is. That definitely explains the lack of laugh lines.

This:"...a relief to stare out the window at the sheeting rain and let just a few tears escape." Wow. How melodramatic can you get? I can see it now, girl sits at window, staring desolately out into the gray, a single, solitary tear falls down her pale cheek. I love it!

Okay, so Bella hates everyone and everyone is interested in her because she's new. Except the Cullens, and the mysterious and hot Edward who doesn't seem to want to be around her. He leans away from her and glares as though he hates her. This is upsetting. SO upsetting, in fact, that Bella wants to cry about it. Honestly, girly, if you really have that much of a problem with it, ask him what his issue is. Breathe on him really heavily while you do it, see if you can make him faint. No? Damn.

So apparently everyone has noticed how rude - rude, not mean - Eddie was to Bella during class. So sad. And to top it all off, Bella walks into the office to see the very boy trying his best to get out of class with her. He glares at her all hatefully - Bella takes time here to notice how gorgeous he is despite the fact that he is clearly a jerk. I feel you, girl - and then storms out. Nice. Oh, and apparently his voice is like velvet. Good to know. I think B's whole problem is that his guy isn't fawning over her like everyone else. He isn't "clearly admiring", and it makes her mad. Ah, well, we all know that changes. Unfortunately. This book would be so much more fun if Edward just ate her at the end.

Similarities to Pam - None really, as of yet. There is the first person narration, and a distinct lack of real description about the protagonist - all the better for the reader to imagine themselves in her place, my dear

Quotables - also none. But in one or two chapters I am sure we'll get there

Rating - C. It wasn't all that awful - childish writing aside, if I look at the story objectively I can almost understand why someone might be eager to continue on. The line quoted above and the "clearly admiring" bit drove me bonkers, though.
Tags: authors: l - z, book titles: l - z, reviews: books

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