I should probably go back to doing my QaF recaps, but ugh. That means that I will have to rewatch ep 119. and 121. and then cry at 122. I just don’t feel like it, to be perfectly honest. The idea makes me cringe. I don’t wanna be all teary eyed and sad watching Brian and Justin go from happy to bloody and devastated. I think what cuts more than Justin getting hurt is knowing how very freaking happy the both of them were before it. How happy Brian was before it, when he goes out of his way to pretend that he isnt happy with Justin, and never will be. For the first time he opened his heart and soul up to someone, and then had that taken away by a homophobic prick with a baseball bat. Was forced to watch the person he loved slowly bleed to death when he couldn’t do anything about it. I mean, ouch. At least poor Justin wasn’t awake for most of it. But then to not remember…
One of my problems with season two is how little my poor boys really see each other. Brian sees Justin as someone broken, someone he has to fix, and once he fixes him he tries to put him back into the mold that he fit before he got hit in the head and realized what happens when you are unafraid to be yourself. Fear came into his life, real fear, and it changed him. Made him less able to stand up for what he wanted. And he began to lose himself. To try and fit the mold that Brian wanted him in so that he would be able to stay. It wasn’t the sex stuff, I don’t think. It was the lack of emotion, and the fear that if he dared show how hurt and upset and confused he still was so much of the time, Brian would throw his hands up in the air and announce, “I quit.” Or perhaps the most condemning words of all, “you aren’t worth it.” And then there was Ethan. Pretty, uncomplicated Ethan who said that Justin was all he would ever want and all he would ever need. Ethan, who seemed to know all the right things to do and say and when to do and say them. He wouldn’t be a challenge and Justin would never have to worry that he would say the wrong thing and then Ethan would take off and go party and come home smelling like someone else and make Justin wonder if he was even part of the equation at all. Ethan was easy, and he was a way out, and Justin grabbed it with both hands and held on as hard as he could, knowing damn well that what he was doing was wrong but just that desperate to get away.
And Brian. Brian, who as I said before, allowed himself to be open for just one instant, and then had it reconfirmed that happiness for him could only lead to disaster when the bat made contact with Justin’s head. He sat in that hospital room for three days wondering if Justin might make it, more than likely neither eating or sleeping, focused totally on that one room. That one little window and that one life that he could see through it. He became obsessed with it, that gazing at Justin as if to make sure for himself that he was okay. Guarding his door as if to protect him, a little too late. He wears the scarf that Justin took from him like penance. Does he remember that he nearly caused his own death with it? Does he hate whatever made him buy it, that desire to always be young and beautiful? Does he understand that it very nearly saw another death around the neck of someone young and beautiful, someone who had so much life left in him? And if he did, would he continue to see dying that way a good thing? Would he have still seen the merit in dying young?
I don’t know, but I do know that what happened screwed him up. Badly. And then he never really gets to deal with what happened. He starts to, when Mikey (bless his heart even if his motives weren’t pure) pretty much forces him to talk to Justin, and then Jen has to come in and wreck that with her, “If you care about him, you’ll stay away from him” bs, along with her, “It was because of you that he was almost killed” thing. Seriously, I love Jen, and I do get where she is coming from, but every single time I see that I want to slap her. Of course I mostly want to slap her for what she cannot see: the devastated look on Brian’s face as he walks away, the scarf that I know rests just underneath the blue shirt he is wearing. The happy smile that turned into terrified whimpers and tears. That final kiss before it all went to hell. Things that Jen isnt aware of, and might not even care to know, because she needs someone to blame, and Brian is the easiest target. Still, just for that horrible, shell-shocked look on his face when he leaves I could cheerfully claw her eyes out. And then he looks so freaking miserable when he tells Justin to go away and not bother him ever again…
So there he is, not dealing, and then Jen foists Justin on him because she cant handle it. Another thing that is extremely unfair. But Brian does it and does his best to help Justin, tearing himself open in the process. And what is Brian’s defense for being torn apart? Pretending not to care. Pretending that it wouldn’t matter to him if Justin left or stayed. It’s all his choice, right? And if he doesn’t stay, then he obviously wasn’t getting what he wanted. He wasn’t getting what he needed. And Brian will never allow himself to bend again. Because it only leads to blood that wont come out from under your fingernails and tears that you don’t even know you’re shedding and pain that never seems to go away. Anything that comes even the littlest bit close to what he tried to do with the prom, he shies away from. He begins to lash out at Justin the only ways he can, little things that he knows will hurt more than if he actually hit the boy, and a part of him revels in the pain it brings. He cant stop poking at it, this gaping wound in the middle of himself and his relationship with Justin, the way you would at a sore tooth, and once he realizes that Justin has found a way out but is afraid to take it he makes sure that he has no other choice. None. But he still holds on. He lied to Mikey when he said never go after anyone. He couldn’t know then that there is only one person to go after, and that is the one that gets into your heart when you aren’t looking. Mikey found that out first with Ben, even though Brian demonstrated it first with Justin. You only go after the one you give your heart to, which is why neither Brian nor Mikey went after the other when they had their huge blowout.
But as I said, Brian doesn’t let go, and that becomes more and more apparent as the third season goes on. He pays for Justin’s tuition, he makes sure that he will have some sort of financial stability with Rage, and then with the poster for the Carnivale. He gets all little boy happy when he sees Justin (at least in the early eps) and drinks him in with his eyes when he brings back his bracelet after confronting his little shit of a nephew. Then he sees a golden opportunity to drive a real wedge between Justin and Ethan and takes it. Takes it and runs with it, and no one will ever be able to convince me that he didn’t. Only it kind of blows up in his face for a bit, and still he pokes. Because he can’t help it. Because he wants Justin back, but in true Brian Kinney fashion, he cannot bring himself to actually say it.
And Justin sees that. Once he works himself through the anger he still feels at Brian and the betrayal he went through with Ethan, he can stop and realize what Brian has practically been screaming at him since the split: that he still cares. And then Justin sets out to get him back by recycling the old S1 ploy. Meh on that, but yay on the Brian and Justin togetherness. And I adore the scene in 308 when Justin shows Brian that he does, indeed, have balls. Oh, how I love him all the time, but especially in that moment.
Actually, my favorite Justin moment has to be when he walks away from Cody at the end of the stupid Justin and the PP arc. The whole thing was stupid. I hated it, plenty of fans hated it, and I hear RH hated it as well…but it is almost worth it to see him walk away, Cody screaming behind him, a small smile on his face because he realizes that unlike Cody, he can put his past behind him. He can move on to be the best person he can be, and he doesn’t need a gun to make himself a man. It is there that I want to cry. Because he is so beautiful in that moment. I do so love my Justin-pants. Immensely.
In case no one had noticed, I am a Justin lover. Give me a situation and ask me to choose who is in the right, and nine times out of ten if Justin is one of the people to choose from I pick him, regardless. Because I love him.
Even if Brian is the only man I have ever been able to look at in bare feet and think of as sexy.