You know what drives me completely nuts? Well, lots of things, actually, but right now number one is that I cannot seem to wake up and get myself some semblance of outward confidence. And how dumb is that, really? I mean, here I am at twenty one years of age whining about my fucking confidence level, like some thirteen year old girl who is busy going through puberty and just realized that the one boy that she luvz, 4 ever & evah, likes her best friend. And I don’t know how to change that. It’s not that I don’t know who I am, because I know that, it’s being secure in that knowledge without wondering if I’m coming off as a conceited shit in the process. And there’s the big problem, I think. At twenty one, I’m still way too fucking worried about how others see me. Take my voice class. I am singing “The Wizard and I” from Wicked and all I can think is that I am going to sound god-awful and everyone in class is going to be sitting there, thinking to themselves: “and she really thinks she has a chance at Broadway? Bitch, please.” And what makes it worse is that I know that I can sing, and I know that I can kick that song’s ass, but I can’t seem to keep that knowledge because I am too worried about being judged. And my writing. It’s never good enough for me, ever. Same when I act. I fucking dropped my improv class because I couldn’t hack it, and yet I know that when relaxed and not thinking about it, I tend to improv almost constantly. And then there comes the point that I worry that if I act like I know that I’m good at things, then everyone will start to say that I am a conceited little shit who needs to get her head popped before it gets so big it pushes people out of the way. So I sit around and beat the shit out of myself (mentally, of course. I’m not too big on the whole physical pain thing) until it becomes a habit, and then I start to think that maybe I do suck.
The thing is, I know that I have to change my shit myself, and that I can’t expect everyone to like me. That I can’t even expect most people to like me. But that fucking thirteen year old girl inside of me keeps whining, “But why doesn’t he like meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?” :) Anyone got a spare muzzle?
ETA: and while I'm at it, does anyone know how to make the marquee in my sidebar slow down already?