So we start with Mikey and Davey, doing all those things that good couples do. Playing in the snow, eating dinner, grocery shopping. Braiding each other’s hair. But there is a snag in all this perfect domesticity. David is paying for everything. This doesn’t make Michael a happy camper, but his wallet is probably getting the most exercise of its life; what with all the being pulled out and put back every five seconds. Finally, Mikey loses it and tells David that he needs to be contributing, too. Go Mikey. You are not David’s pet. You are not the woman in the relationship. I rather like being the woman, myself. What can I say? It’s nice not to have to pay. * grins * Turns out Mikey is paying ‘half’ of the living expenses…though to be honest I don’t think that three hundred dollars is quite half of what David pays for everything. You have seen his house, right? Yeah. Three hundred dollars is more like a quarter of what Davey is paying…if not less. But shh, Mikey doesn’t need to know that.
Babylon, but not as we are used to seeing it. It’s dyke night! Lesbians, lesbians, everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Emmett and Ted are there with Mel, to be her fag hags for once. Except they are really bad at it. They are too disgusted. Apparently Mel is equally as horrible at the job, though, because it says in the fag hag handbook, page five, paragraph three, that all fag hags must be fun, and Melanie has been too busy moping over Lindsay to do that. And seeing her everywhere she goes. She thought that Lindsay would be the person that she kissed goodnight for the rest of her life. Emmett’s frozen expression mirrors my own. Hee. Ted and Em tell her to get her ass over to the house then, and tell Linds how she feels. There is nothing that she can lose by trying, and who knows, she might gain everything. And then Em and Ted can go to Woody’s and get blown, like men.
But we don’t get to see if Mel does that yet, because we are with the only couple that somehow isn’t falling apart at the seams, despite the way that everyone keeps acting as though they are. That’s right, it’s happy fun time with Brian and Justin! In Brian’s jeep! Justin is being cute again and lecturing Brian on the evils of coffee, which of course leads to the subject of sex. Justin is all smug, because, “[he] can stay up all night, fucking, and still score a 1500 on [his] SATs.” I’m impressed. Brian’s impressed. The world is impressed. Be smug as you want, Justin. Brian is also proud. It’s so cute. “You could get into any school you wanted with a score like that.” Justin knows. He starts listing the schools that he has applied too, and Brian’s head whips to face him. Excuse me? “You’re going out of state?” Me: Of course he isn’t, silly! This is like that time in Boy Meets World where Topanga was going to leave for Yale, but then decided to propose to Corey instead. Only Justin doesn’t propose, thank Jesus. He has more important things on his mind. Like Brian giving a shit, even if he tries to act like he doesn’t. Justin has his number, though Justin: You so care about me. You love me so much! Brian: Get out. Justin, smugger than ever: Brian Kinney gives a shit. Brian: Fuck you. But as Justin says, it is all in what he didn’t say. Like he never denied anything that came out of Justin’s mouth. Because he couldn’t. Oh, the squealing fangurl inside me is happy.
In class, Chris Hobbes is again being an ass. You know, I’m beginning to think that he might just have serious closet issues. Dude, just admit it and move on. It’s really not that big a deal. He and Justin have words, and then their homophobic prick of a homeroom teacher comes in and gets on Justin’s case. Right. Because Justin is such a trouble maker, what with his perfect grades and his equally spotless record (until this year, at least). Whatever. Chris is more of an asshole, calls Justin a queer, and when Justin tries to defend himself, Mr. Homophobe gets on his case. Tells him that he didn’t hear anything and if Justin doesn’t shut up and sit down he will be sending him to the principal’s office. Justin: Don’t bother. The queer is going, the queer is out the door, the queer is gone. Teach suddenly seems to have a problem with the word, and tells Justin to shut up, or a suspension will be his way. Justin is beyond pissed. “Listen up, now that your hearing has returned. This queer says FUCK YOU.” Complete with both fingers up in the air in that lovely salute. Oh, Justin. I want your babies.
Brian and Mikey are at the bank, and Brian is cruising. You know, I am not one to be a nay sayer about sex. Sex is fun, for the most part, and is also for the most part pleasurable. But holy shit, man, use anything that much and it is bound to lose its value. Sheesh. Does Brian’s poor dick ever get a rest? Mikey is amusedly annoyed. “Can you wait until he helps me before you hit on him?” No. Seems that Mikey has more money than he should have in his account…because David hasn’t been cashing his monthly checks. Nice. Mikey is not pleased. At all. Oooh, David’s gonna get it! They leave, and banker man says that he will check out Brian’s “account”. Which happens to be his phone number. Brian grabs Mikey’s tie and quips, “There are still certain services you can’t get at an ATM” Oh, I don’t know. I’m sure that Brian could get even an ATM to blow him, if he so chose. But I would hope that he would pick one of those Washington Mutual ones. They are so much friendlier than your garden variety ATM. They’d probably offer him something to clean up with after.
Finally, we get to see if Mel is going to take Ted and Em’s advice. She is. She walks to the door of the old homestead, and knocks. Lindsay answers. Everything is all soft and glowy. Mel plants one on her, and life for the lesbians gets back on track.
Then Mel actually wakes up, to see Guillome, the French interloper. And he knows a shocking amount about Mel and Lindsay’s life. And then the shit wont let Mel see Gus. Okay, right. Right about there I stopped liking the guy, French accent or no. He was just very rude. Not cool, Frenchie. NOT cool.
Mel of course reacts in her natural manner and freaks, storming into the men’s locker room at the gym to demand what the fuck this Guillome asshat is doing with Linds. What gets me is that all these men act like such prudes about it. I’m like, dudes, seriously, you’re gay. You’ve probably all had Brian’s dick up your ass in various public places. Get over it. It’s just a chick. Mel feels the same. Once Em tells everyone that Mel is a lesbo, though, the guys calm down. * rolls eyes * Brian: Wha? Mel: You didn’t know? So Brian calls Linds’ house, and finds Guillome’s voice on the machine. Oh, fuck no. So the gang goes to Linds’, where Brian and Mel demand to know what the fuck is up with this French guy taking over and Ted and Emmett betray them for some rabbit stew. Et tu, em and Ted? Linds admits that she is going to marry him, so that he can get his green card and she has someone to help her with Gus. I stare. Mel and Brian stare. What are they, chopped liver? Both of them would gladly die for that little boy, even if Brian would be more reluctant to admit it than Mel. And since when did Lindsay have trouble going to Brian for money when she needed it? I am not buying this story arc, CowLip. At all.
At the Deb casa, Deb goes up to Justin’s room with the creature comforts of hot cocoa and fig newtons, but Justin is too upset to eat. Hand ‘em over here, Deb. I’ll do those newton’s justice. Deb inspires Justin to start his own club. The Gay Straight Student Alliance. You go, Deb.
Michael confronts David about not letting him contribute. David says that he does. Okay, David, houseboy is not what Mikey meant. Mikey gets David to agree that the two of them will only do the things that they can pay for, but then David admits that he wanted to take Mikey to Paris. But now he wont be. Oh, that is wrong. It reminds me of when I was a little kid and my parents would punish me by saying, “well, we were gonna go to the zoo, but now that you called your sister a whiney bitch, you can go to your room instead.” It was so unfair when I never knew the zoo was an option!
At Woody’s, and everyone is bitching about Linds’ new beau. Brian and Mel come to an understanding that I bet doesn’t last for very long, and Justin bops by to tell everyone of his suspension. Brian forgets all about the trick that he was cruising earlier to listen and tell his own story of how he got back at his own basher in high school. I think that he wants to impress Justin, because that is who he is really talking to, but I am not so sure that he should have told him that specific story.
And then we get the much happier vision of Brian and Justin. Nakey. Brian is climbing and kissing his way up Justin’s body and Justin is busy trying to convince him to help him “market” it. Or at least tell him how to do it. Brian doesn’t wanna, but Justin says “please” and he does anyway, because we all know that Brian is putty in that boy’s artistic little hands. Finally, though, he tells him to pass out condoms. “What better way for everyone to ‘come’ together”. I’m guessing the kids’ll like the condoms, that’s for sure.
Em and Ted find out about Paris. Mikey admits that they aren’t going, and the two of them convince him to let him take him away. In this instance, I do agree. Because, c’mon. It’s Paris. Home of Guillome. Hey, maybe Mikey and David could take him back with them. Bye-bye, Gui.
Justin and Daph are passing out condoms. Really, I think that more schools should do this. Promote the safe sex, people, gay or straight. Chris Hobbes has to be an ass, so Justin has to remind him of what happened in the storage shed. Chris isn’t happy and attacks. Justin doesn’t look half as scared as maybe he should be, and I wouldn’t be surprised if that was one of Chris’ very favorite memories. What? The guy practically screams closet case. He wants Justin’s bum so bad he can taste it. Not that I blame him. It is a pretty one. Chris stalks off. At the Alliance meeting, Justin gets everyone’s attention by yelling out every derogatory name he can think of for being gay. Oh, my Justin is so brave. Deb stops by with cookies. I love her. Things start to go well, and then Mr. Homophobe comes in to fuck it all up. Thanks to Chris, of course. Ugh. Is a hand job really worth all this grief? As the teach leaves, meaningful glares are exchanged. Gotta love the meaningful glares.
Brian and Linds take a walk in the park. Lindsay says that she can’t keep taking money from Mel and Brian. Brian says that he and Mel have been thinking-and Linds throws a fit. She stomps off with Gus, but not before going off about how Brian is self-centered and narcissistic (me: okay, she’s right there) and how she is only thinking of Gus’ welfare. I don’t get that last part, but hey, to each crazy person their own, I guess.
Gui like-likes Brian. And his leeps. He can also tell that Brian doesn’t like him. Well, duh, you imposter! The doorbell rings, and it is Mel. There is awkwardness. Then there is arguing and Hebrew. So fucking cool. Then Mel tries to make up, and it nearly happens, until Gui ruins it. Grrrr. Mel leaves, and there is no making up to be done. Double grr.
Everyone is helping Mikey pack. Or at least watching. And seeing all the different shit that David has bought for him. Justin is again a bratty little brother, and it is so cute. Mikey isn’t even irritated by it. Then Brian makes his dig about being a kept boy, and Justin adds, “I’d hold out for a Rolex.” I snort. God, he can be such a shit.
The boys go to Woody’s, where they see Chris Hobbes. Brian is all, “you didn’t tell me he was so hot.” Justin is just pissed that he’s there. Brian thinks that he should forget about it, but Justin always does seem to have more balls than sense. He goes to Chris and asks him WTF? Chris: Checking out the freaks. Like you. Justin: Down here, you’re the freak. Chris shoves Justin, and Brian immediately jumps in front of Justin. He is Pissed. I read the look on his face as: you touch Justin again, I’m gonna touch you. And trust me, you wont like it. There might be squeeing. What?
Justin decides that this is the time to tell all of Liberty Ave and consequently, Chris’ friends, about their little handjob incident. Chris flips. Em and Ted are proud of Justin, Justin is proud of himself, until he looks at Brian. Brian isn’t proud. “Congratulations”, he says, “you’ve just made yourself a real enemy.” He’s worried, you can tell. Very. Even though he tries to pass it off as unconcerned, he doesn’t quite make it. And he goes inside Woody’s, leaving Justin to ponder his words. Oh, Justin.
So, here is the challenge I put to you. What is the B/J moment that I am talking about this ep? There are a lot of good ones, so it might be difficult. And what is the Justin moment to end all Justin moments? This one will be easier. C’mon. Let’s play. :)