Brian tells Mikey and Ted of his misfortune at work, finally. Michael’s big response is that he told him not to do it. Did he? I distinctly remember laughter. Probably Mikey told him that he should be careful, but never really told him not to do it. Have you noticed that Mikey doesn’t really ever stand up to Brian? He needs to get some hairy ones, that is for sure. Ted says that it would be like his boss fucking him. Oh, ew, ew, ew. It’s too early to think of that. Let’s think of it later-like never later. Mikey says that some exercise will help Brian relax, but he probably just means the lunchtime blow he’ll inevitably wind up receiving will do it. Ted doesn’t want to go to the gym. He misses his gym buddy. The other two offer to be his gym buddies (okay, Brian says it snarkily, but Michael is sincere) but Ted says nahh. It just isn’t the same without Emmett. Neither is Babylon. No Emmett to spill drinks all over him. Brian offers to spill drinks on him. Aww. But Ted is determined to pout. Michael is quick to reassure Ted that Em can’t commit to anything. He’ll be back. Brian agrees, and gives Ted a friendly tap on the back with his gym bag. I immediately squee, thinking of future seasons. Ted/Brian friendship pwns me.
But Emmett really does seem determined to commit to this Seeing the Light thing, because he is at yet another meeting. It is painful to watch. There is the so obviously gay man and woman, trying to be straight. They are talking about football. Well, she is, and the guy keeps interjecting with, “Can you believe it?” They talk about how they kissed. With tongues and everything! Yippee. And now they are engaged. Yeah. Emmett really wants to be a success story, and so does this woman he meets named Heather. She fell in love in college, on the golf course. Then the love of her life married a golf pro. Hee. I think that woman just liked golf. Maybe too much. On the rebound, Heather slept with as many women as she could, but she wasn’t happy. Oh, no. So then she decided to see the light. Emmett tells her his story, and she’s impressed. God really listens, she thinks. She asks Emmett out, and he agrees. More to be a success story than anything else. I can see this going well. Not.
Night, and David has made Michael some pasta. Yum. That is so it. I want a David. I want pasta! Gimme! Michael is appreciative, and they start to get it on. Me: Nooooooo! Don’t get it on! Eat the pasta so that I can live vicariously through you! They do not listen to me. Fortunately, the phone rings. David: That better not be Brian. Me: Uh-oh. Do I sense trouble in pasta paradise? Michael: It’s Ted. Ted tells Michael that Brain is losing it. He called Teddy and asked him how long he could live on what he has. Ted said that considering his lifestyle, not very. Brian thanked him for being such a kind and considerate friend. Okay. That doesn’t sound like Brian in any capacity, except sarcastic. I could see him snarking that at Ted, bet never sounding sincere about it. Mikey knows that he needs to call Brian ASAP. Dave is not amused. Says that there is only room for two people in their relationship. Him and Michael. Not Brian. Says that he doesn’t want to be like Mel and Linds. So long as he doesn’t sleep with someone else, I think he’s good. Mikey’s pretty sure they aren’t lesbians, so any chance of becoming like them is out of the window. Mikey says that he gets that their relationship is just for the two of them, but Brian might lose his job and it is important that he be there for his best friend. I actually agree. David doesn’t. He’s an ass. He basically tells Mikey that he isn’t allowed to see Brian. Such a dumb move, that.
Brian has decided that there is only one lawyer that he wants to handle his case. Yep. Melanie Marcus. So he asks her to lunch and asks her to help him, and she is amazed. Says that first he wrecked her relationship and now he wants favors? I am amazed, too. Where does Mel get off? Last I heard, the two of them broke it off because Mel boinked someone not Lindsay. And sure, they were having problems before that, but mostly it was because Mel was bitching about all the extra hours that she had to work so that Lindsay could take care of Gus full time. Which she wouldn’t have had to do if she had been willing to accept Brian’s money. So really, it kind of comes back to Mel. </rant> She does agree to represent him, tough, because she likes the idea of his being indebted to her for life. That, I don’t blame her for. The brilliant defense that she comes up with? Brian didn’t need to blackmail anyone to get laid. He’s a giant manslut. Oh, yeah. That’ll win it. * rolls eyes *
Cut to Deb’s. Justin is studying, and Deb and Vic are doing laundry. They have the radio going, and a familiar tune starts floating through the air. Vic and Deb are happy. “Do the hustle!” They start dancing around the kitchen. Justin is properly horrified. His adopted mom and uncle are dancing. Stop, his poor teenage brain! Michael shows up and then there are three of them dancing around. Great, now big brother is added into the mix. Justin is disgusted. Mikey teases him, but cannot refrain from making another jab about ‘his’ room. Deb tells him to get a life. I concur. Then Mikey spills the beans about Brian. Justin is upset, Deb and Vic are unsurprised. Ouch. Justin insists that someone has to do something. Mikey tells him to shut up, then he calls the doc and tells him that his mother is sick and he has to stay with her to nurse her back to health. Yep. Mikey’s lying to hubby to go see his mistress…mister. With enough junk food to make someone sick, actually. So the boys eat up, and Brian bemoans his fate. Then they get drunk and go to Woody’s to relive their highschool band days. Horrible band days. And they are spotted by David, who had gone to Deb’s to give her some chicken soup. Really he was just checking up on Michael. Methinks this will not go so well.
Next morning, and Brian is majorly hung. Over, that is. Justin is making some scary concoction that his alkie grandmother swore by, and Brian wishes he wouldn’t. The sound of the blender hurts his head. But he still takes it and drinks it, which says a lot, IMO. Tastes like a dirty jockstrap, apparently. Mel doesn’t see why he is complaining, then. Brian likes dirty jockstraps. Oh, ew. Brian doesn’t want to look at the nasty concoction anymore, so he hands it back to Justin, who says that he would do anything…Mel is sick of the love fest, and says fuck it. Let’s just hope the arbitrator thinks he’s cute and lets him off. Which might happen, actually, because in this world no one is not attracted to Brian, and if they are-they’re a lesbian.
The door opens, and in comes the exception to that rule. Lindsay and Gus are visiting so that Brian can see his son and Lindsay can ask for money, even though Brian is almost out of a job. There is awkwardness between Mel and Linds, and then Melanie takes off. Lindsay is upset and nearly crying, so Brian asks why she doesn’t just ask her to come back. Linds is outraged. “She’s the one who cheated.” Brian doesn’t care. Thinks that maybe she had a reason. This puts Lindsay on the defensive, and she snaps something about how Brian always wanted Mel gone, so now he should be happy. And now I get to rant about Linds. This is a fun ep. Thing is, maybe Brian was in the way a lot, but Lindsay is the one who always seems to put him first. He isn’t nearly as pushy with Lindsay and Mel’s relationship as he was with Mikey and David’s. I haven’t yet see him do anything like what he did to Mikey in 110-that leading one on so that they think there is a chance bit. He doesn’t do that. And as for the parental rights thing, don’t even get me started. I’ve said it before: THEY were the ones who didn’t have him sign his rights away before Gus was born. THEY were the ones who wanted financial support. Oh, and that really drives me nuts, because you know that even if Brian had signed his rights over to Mel, they would both still expect Brian to provide for Gus. But then they would have the power to tell Brian when and where he gets to see his own son, because he has no legal rights to be with him anymore. Fuck that. Right. Done now. Or maybe not. It bothers me that Lindsay is there to beg for money, okay? I said it. Brian is about to loss his job, but Linds is still asking for the moolah. Is that all he’s good for? Writing checks that are obviously quite large, if Justin’s expression when he sneaks a peek is anything to go by? Oh, and I will make note that Brian does something odd here. He tells Linds, “go ahead. Blame me. Everyone else does.” And cuts his eyes to Justin. Now, I highly doubt that Justin blames Brian for much at this point. He’s still in his ‘I love Brian so much I cant see straight and he can do no wrong’ phase. So why the look? Is it to remind Lnds that there is someone else in the room, so stop with the being a bitch? That’s not very Brian. Or is it that he doesn’t want Justin to think that he’s the bad guy in the situation? I like to think it’s the latter, because I am a sap. Shut up.
Brian isn’t the only one with a hangover. Mikey is almost crying from the pain in his head. And David isn’t making it any easier, stomping down the stairs and then starting a fight about Mikey deliberately disobeying him. I think that David might be taking the “daddy” role play a little too far. So they argue, and David takes his turn to storm out. Blrgh.
Emmett continues his efforts to be straight, this time with the help of his new friend Heather. They go to the movies, where they meet up with Ted and Melanie. Mel is disgusted by what the two of them are doing. She lights into them, and then Ted asks if he can meet with Em sometime. Emmett hands him a “See the Light” flier. That is it. From now, he is Pod!Emmett. He sure doesn’t resemble my Em at all. And he looks dead. And then he goes home and fucks a girl, while really thinking of a guy (because you know he is, but that’s okay, because she’s thinking of a chick). So no, he doesn’t get to be Em anymore.
Meanwhile, Brian is visiting the good doc with a pain in his ass region. He tells the doc that he’ll still be around, long after he is gone. Ouch. He also says that telling Mikey not to see him is a good way to make Mikey leave. He’s right. Then he says, “oh, hey, how about that? The pain in my ass is gone. Ta, doc!” Leaving David to think about what he just said.
At Woody’s, Ted and Michael are not in a good mood. Dab is yelling at Michael about lying to David and using her to do it. Then they find out about Pod!Emmett. Vic says fuck him. But they can’t, because he is straight now. PSA!Justin returns, and there is squealing. By me and Deb, though I think Deb was squealing more about her Sunshine being all offended. Then Justin spies a familiar face. It is Sneaky Rat Bastard! Or Kip, if you prefer that. But I prefer Sneaky Rat Bastard, SRB for short. SRB is sad because he went to Brian’s office earlier and Brian threw him on the desk and got him turned on, and now he has no one to come fix it. Poor, sad, SRB. So Justin approaches SRB, being all cute and blond and trying to get him interested. SRB says that he isn’t. WHAT? Okay, it’s one thing if he screws Brian over. IMO Brian needs to learn that boinking tricks form work isn’t such a great way to do business. But no one, and I mean no one, gets to turn Justin down. He’s too cute for that. Silly SRB. Lucky for him Justin is persistent. He doesn’t take no for an answer and follows SRB outside, where he finally does get him interested. Yay for Justin!twinks. So Soon To Be Screwed Without Lube Boy takes Justin home and starts to blow him, when Justin suddenly thinks to mention his crazy dad who got the last guy that he slept with jailed. Because he’s only seventeen. He says that he wont tell Kip where he is “provided you do something for me”. Oh. My. God. Dangerous thing to do, but Justin knows Kip is a weakling I’ll bet. And again, the sheer balls it took to pull that off. Wow. So Kip drops the suit and Brian doesn’t get it, but he is happy nonetheless. Mel is a little pissed. “Shit just never sticks to you”
While Justin is putting his own blackmailing skills to the test, Mikey and Ted make an appearance at a See the Light meeting. Have they, too, decided that they want to be straight forevermore? Betcha inside Hal Sparks was shrieking, “Yes! Make me straight! Girls! Girls! GIIIIIRRLS!” *ahem* Despite what Hal Sparks might have wanted, no, Mikey and Ted are still gay, and we still have to watch Mikey’s painful sex scenes. I know, I’m sad, too. Pod!Emmett wants to know if this is some sort of intervention. If his friends are going to kidnap him and stick him in the back of a van. They say no. He’s disappointed. He wanted a van. Oh, these glimmers of Em. *sighs* They tell him that they are here to say goodbye, finally, and that they love him. Mikey says that he’ll always remember Emmett in Babylon, dancing and waving his hands in the air. His ‘Praise Jesus’ move. Pod!Emmett says that he doubts that God appreciates it quite as much. Ted stares at him. “I think he appreciates it even more. I was always taught that God created each of us in His image. And since God is love and God doesn’t make mistakes, then you must be exactly how he intended you to be. And that goes for everything, every person, every teardrop. And every faggot.” I doubt that I get the words right, but the gist is the same. I cry. Every damn time I watch this part. Teddy looks so miserable and so does Emmett, because that is Emmett looking like he’s about to cry. And Ted is crying. And Heather is hanging on every single word coming out of Ted’s mouth. The leader of the cult is not happy and keeps yelling for everyone to sit down, and when they do encourages Heather and Pod!Emmett to share their success story. They look at each other.
David comes home to find Mikey putting away his comics. They talk, and Dacid says that he was an idiot. He says that Michael should be allowed to see whatever friends he chooses, and encourages him to go to Babylon. Michael would rather stay home with David, though.
Which means that Ted only has Mel for a sympathetic ear. Not that Mel is bad, she just doesn’t get it. Ted misses his best friend, and as much fun as Mel is, she isn’t Emmett, and can never be. Ever. So Ted pouts, and Brian and Justin dance. I don’t know if it’s Brian or Gale, but the man really sucks at it. But somehow with Justin it looks good. Justin really is a super twink. Brian says that he doesn’t know why He of Too Many Names to Count dropped the suit, and Justin smiles and replies, “It’s a mystery.” And right there was when I knew without a doubt that Justin did love Brian. Well, actually, I knew it when he got Mikey and Brian speaking again, but this was the icing on the love-cake. If anyone else-read “Mikey”, though I highly doubt that he would have the balls to do such a thing-had done that, you know that they would be doing it more for themselves than Brian. So that Brian would be grateful to them and in their debt. So they would make sure that he knew about it. But Justin did it for Brian, because he knew that Brian needed to keep his job. And he wont tell him, because he didn’t do it to make Brian see what a great guy he is. Which is the very reason why Brian is so lucky that he has a Justin. Because while Mikey’s method of helping Brian works to calm Brian the fuck down, Justin’s gets Brian’s ass out of the fire. Yeah. And, Brian did do birthdays in S1. I have proof. He very clearly asks Justin what he wants for his birthday. What does that mean to you? I rest my case.
Ted and Mel are still talking about Emmett. Mel asks him if he wants a nice, stiff cock. Ted says she almost sounds like him. He remembers how he used to say, “It’s just not sex-“
“-without something up your butt.” Ted and Mel turn, and there is Emmett. My Emmett, complete with Heather. They both look happy and relaxed, and Mel and Ted are terrified that they are trying to convert the mislead again. But they say no. They’ve seen the light. Mel and Ted know. But the duo tells them no they don’t. They told the group their own success story. Em stood up and in all of his proud gay glory and said that some people are meant to eat pussy, some to suck cock. “But either way, God loves us.” You’re damn skippy. Then they were kicked out. Oh, well. Babylon is more fun, anyway. Then Emmett spills his drink on Teddy, and I think that Ted is going to start weeping. Then all the pretty boys dance!