Lizz (random_glitch) wrote,

I Weep for the Children. Weep.

So I did it. I finished all four books in the Twilight saga, and as a result I kind of want to gouge my eyes out with a spoon.

Before I go into what bothered me, I want to say that I totally get why this book is so popular. It's total wish fulfillment. And also, despite the bad writing, it is like candy. I managed to finish three of the four books in less than 24 hrs. The real problem? After you put it down. Because then you realize that you hate everything you just read, and you don't know why you put yourself through it. At least I got lucky; I know why I put myself through the torture.

That said, Oh, man, there is some funny shit in these books. New Moon is kind of a waste, unless you can laugh at how fricken' retarded Bella is. I...sometimes could. Most of the time I just wanted to kill everyone. I was beyond sick of the "Everyone Loves Bells" shtick halfway through the first book, so the fact that Jacob decided to get all googly-eyed over her just made me want to cry. Though the idea of her courting death made me giggle. She's just so completely pathetic that I couldn't help laughing at her. I just wanted to fly through the book, shake her, and say, "Look, sweetie, we've all gone through breakups. Most of us have even been the person broken up with once or twice. We know how you feel. NOW GET THE FUCK OVER IT." *ahem* And how great is suicide by sparkle? I almost laughed myself silly, even though I already knew what he was going to do. Those two melodramatic kids belong together, don't they? It will never not be funny to me that Eds becomes a freakin' glow-stick when the sun shines. Never, ever. Still, I almost cried when Eddie decided the blame for the unauthorized sparkling was all Bella's fault. "It's you're fault that I tried to commit sparkle suicide (don't do it), because you had the nerve to take me at my word when I told you I didn't love you and that I was bored with your freesia scent. How could you, Bella? HOW COULD YOU?" And the numb bitch just takes it. I might've started yelling. At the book. Like an idiot. Shut up. The upshot of the near SparkleDeath is that the Volturi, the upholders of the law in Sparkleverse, decide that unless Bells is vamped out by the fourth book-I mean, soon-then they will kill her. So Bella is going to get her fondest wish, yeehaw.

Eclipse. I don't know, there was funny, but...with the entire Eds/Bells/Jake love triangle the funny was a lot harder to find than I was comfy with. I did love that Bella decides to do some self-sacrificing cutting, takes two pages to start it, and then never has to because once again the menz took care of the problem while she thought about thinking about doing something? Another moment that was full of laughter was Ed's telling Bella that he would turn her after graduation...if she would marry him, first, and Bella's subsequent freak out. Like, "Whoooooaaa there, buddy, I'm not ready for that kind of a commitment. I mean, yes, I want you to turn me into a Sparklepire (great name that I picked up on the internets. I love you, internets!) and live in fluffy sparkly love with you forever, but marriage is just Too. Much." Gotta love the crazy.

I did not love Eds making it so Bells could not visit the wolf boy, then Bella just letting it slide like it wasn't a big deal. Hell, she lets him right on in her window to watch her sleep the very same night. By this point, I have to wonder what the hell the people who talk about Bells being a feminist icon are thinking. Are they smoking the crack? I did read SMeyer's defense of Bella, where she says that it irritates her that there seems to be only one sort of feminism, and that if a woman should choose to stay home, she can be a feminist, too. I actually agree, I think that the very point of feminism is that a woman should be able to choose what she wants to do. If she should choose to stay home, then that is okay by me. What I don't believe is "feminism" is choosing to allow a men to control every move you make; to allow yourself to become nothing but what you are in relation to a man. It's disgusting.

You know what else is disgusting? Good ol' Charlie's reaction when Jacob forces himself on Bella. The boy kisses her totally against her will, and as a result she punches him, right? Her freakin' father's reaction? "You go, kid." That is...I have no words. Where is the hostility that you are constantly showing Eds, Charles? The approval here is sickening, but at least here we're supposed to think that. But I don't think that we're supposed to think so for the right reasons, because Bella pretty much forgives good old Jake after he apologizes. Because she is stupid. So, so stupid. And as if that isn't bad enough, he later guilts her into participating in a kiss she doesn't want, and our resident dumbass suddenly realizes that Jacob has been right all along and SHE IS ACTUALLY IN LOVE WITH HIM. At this point, I had to put the book down before I did something stupid to it...stupid because it's a loaner from the library, and they frown upon you destroying their books, for some reason.

I came back, eventually, and there was that fight that I mentioned in the beginning, and - okay, this was kind of awesome - Eds rips the red-headed she-vamp's head right off her shoulders. Then Big Brother - I mean, the Volturi - show up at the very end all, "Oh, noes, we weren't hoping you'd kill each other off...that'd just be silly! rats." Then Bells finally agrees to marry the Edster, and it's happiness and fun times. Or something.

Oh, and then Ed sends Jake an invitation to the wedding. Because he wants to rub it in that much more. Which made me laugh and laugh.

Also - and this will be important later - we learn about imprinting. What is imprinting, you ask? Well, it is the process by which the wolfies see someone - be it current girlfriend's cousin, best friend's sister, or TWO YEAR OLD CHILD - and fall immediately in "wuv, twue wuv" forever and ever. According to Jacob, once the wolf finds this person, they will be anything for them. So when his pal Quil manages to imprint on a FUCKING TODDLER, he becomes babysitter, playmate, whatever, until she is of a marriageable age, when he will then try to sex her up. Oh and also. Apparently it's "hard to resist that kind of love and devotion." Ew. Ew, ew, ew. So much for free choice, eh, SMeyer?

And then, Breaking Dawn happened. There is so much that I hate about this book...and yet, it might just be my favorite. It is so absurd. So very, very absurd. How can I help but laugh at it?

Bella and Eds get married. That is pretty much the first some-odd chapters. Despite the fact that her father hates him, he's okay with it, and despite the fact that her mother spent the whole of the three previous books encouraging Bella not to settle down too early, she's okay with it. Because all that really matters is finding your one true love and marrying him, so you can do the nasty. Oh yes, did I not mention that from the last book? Bella's one condition on the whole marriage thing is that Eds sex her up before she becomes all sparkly, because she doesn't want to have to wait a couple of years for her sex drive to return as she adjusts to, you know, wanting to kill people.

So yes, wedding. Jacob shows up, shirtless of course, and because Eds is kind of a bitch now he swans off (oooh, see what I did there?) and lets him and Bella have a moment, which I guess would be nice, if I wasn't so sick of this stupid forced love triangle that I want to puke. Anyway it doesn't last long, because when Jakie learns that Eds and Bella are going to get their freak on before he turns her, he loses his shit. Because that will hurt poor, precious Bella. I hope in vain that it will kill her. Kill her dead. Then Jake and Ed could make out. Hate!sex for the win!

Or not.

Honeymoon happens, and in what is an admittedly good piece of writing, SMeyer shows Bella as being nervous as hell. She worries that she will be bad at sex, which is legitimate for any virgin. Lucky for her though, her hubby has been steadfastly keeping it in his pants for a century, so if she is bad, he wont notice...and if he does, he'll be so glad to finally get some that he wont care. So she goes out to the beach on their very own private island (convenient, no?), and everything fades to black, because we need to keep this shit PG, yo.

Next morning Bells wakes up surrounded by feathers and covered in bruises. The feather thing makes me laugh and laugh.

EDWARD: I bit a pillow. Or two.


The bruises thing, though, is kind of terrifying. He got...really rough. And this:

BELLA: YAY Finally! Sex! I know that I'm multicolored from the force of your 'passion' but we should so go to it again.

EDS: No, I hurt you, I can't do it again.

B: Yes, yes you can.

E: No

B: Yes


B: *cries*

E: ...okay.

Okay, it is a little more involved than that, but that's basically the gist, along with some more of their whole "Why are you mad at me?"/"Because you're dumb and also, I'm not really mad at you, I'm mad at myself for hurting you, and HOW COULD YOU WANT THAT?" Because really it is all Bella's fault, even though Ed's the one who got a little too carried away. Love these two. And seriously, I just wanna know if his spunk sparkles. It's a question. I need an answer.


*ahem* So they sex it up again, days pass, Ed sparkles, and hey! Isn't there something that Bella should be having that she hasn't? Why yes, yes there is, and that is how we find out that Bella is pregnant. I...we...they...HE'S BEEN DEAD FOR HOW LONG, AGAIN? HOW THE FUCK DID HIS SPARKLE!SPERM SURVIVE? WHAT?

Oh, yeah, and Bells is already showing. And getting nudged. By the baby. Edward wants to kill it. KEEEL IT. For the first time, I like him.

Then it's over to Jacob. Hi, Jacob! He's angsting because Bella is becoming all vampy, and he is all pissy and whiny and when she's turned, the sacred contract between the wolves and the vamps will be broken, but he loves her, yadda, yadda.

There's a lot of stuff about his feelings, but I have reached the point where I couldn't give a shit about the feelings of these stupid children, so we're just gonna skip that and get to the KILL, JACOB KILL. He thinks Bells has been turned, but his pack doesn't want to break the treaty just yet, so he goes to take on the entire Cullen family by himself like the twat that he is, and finds out that no, Bells has not been turned...she's very, very pregnant, and the thing inside of her is killing her.

So of course Jake does a 180, and so does his pack, but he's also an Alpha so he can ignore the other Alpha telling him to RIP TEAR KILL, and breaks off into his own pack, soon to be joined by Seth - who is kind of in love with Eds after the fight of the last book - and Leah, Seth's sister who used to be with Sam before imprinting got in the way and made her all bitter and shit.

Guarding, exposition, Ed and Jake talk, if B dies kill me too, please, life isn't worth living, yadda, OH MY GOD SHUT UP SHUT UP.

DONE. That is IT. Bella has the damn kid, Ed inects her with his venom straight in the heart-and how did he manage to fill a syringe with said venom, is what I want to know. Did he just drool into one? And ew-and Bells becomes a vampire while Jacob heads of to KILL THE BABY KILL IT DEA-OHMYGODILOVEITIMUSTHAVEITFORMYVERYOWN. Yes, dear friends, Jacob IMPRINTS on the fucking DEATH BABY (I will not call it by name, because the name she gives that thing is beyond dumb. Seriously, I prefer Apple). The Death Baby that everyone is in love with, because she's just a tiny little Mary-Sue. Just like Mamma.

But wait. This. THIS:

"It must be out of her.

It was.

'Renesmee' Edward whispered"


When Bells is vinished vamping out, she is the bestest vampire ever and oh, by the way, Bella is Better Than You. She's hot, and strong, and can leap tall buildings in a single bound...and hey! She can also ignore her thirst for human blood, because her super special love for Eds (read: her total and complete horniness) puts that thirst on the back burner so that she can bone. No, really.

And yet there are still like two hundred pages to go. Let's see if I can put it down in a couple hundred words instead. Volturi find out about super-speshul Death Baby and decided to KILL KILL KILL, other vampires are involved who are much, much more interesting than Bella and her drama, but obviously we don't hear about them because Bella is Better Than You. In the end nothing happens because all the super!vamps on the Volturi's side can't do their thing because it turns out that Bella has the strongest shield ever and can use it to cover all her friends. Because Bella is Better Than You. They take off, and Edward and Bella have sex. No, really. And it is glorious. Why? (sing it with me if you know it, kids!) Because Bella is Effing Better Than You.
The end. Thank God.

Final Grades: New Moon: F. F to the power of F.
Eclipse: D-. It was better than NM, but still, eyes. Spoon.
Breaking Dawn: A. Yes, A. That shit was funny. It's my favorite.
And by this point, my standards are really, really low.
Tags: authors: l - z, book titles: l - z, reviews: books

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