Port Angeles. The girls are trying on dresses and Bells has an estrogen rush from it. She finds out that Taylor is running around saying that they are going to go to prom together, and it pisses her off. Estrogen rush over. Let the moping after Eds commence. After dresses they go to shoes and accessories, and then Bella manages to ditch the other two so that she can wander off into dark alleyways and get herself into a sticky situation that Eds can save her from, in his sexy, sexy Volvo. Bella's horrible friends have already eaten when they find them, but Edward insists that she eat because of the shock. Eager to be alone with him, Bells agrees. So they sit and there is far too much description of the food Bella will be eating and how she will be eating it, and everyone loves Edward but he only has eyes for Bella-cakes. He tells her that he is indeed a vampire and that she should stay away from him. He also admits that he found her by reading the thoughts of her friends and the pervs who were gonna make her the night's entertainment. Bella is surprisingly okay with this, and worries that Eds can't read her thoughts. She thinks it makes her a freak. Then he pays for the meal, snubs the waitress some more, bundles her in his car, and lets her know that it is his turn to play twenty questions.
- I'm not overly sure that "estrogen rush" is the phrase that you're looking for here, SMeyers.
- Wow. Bells actually caring that someone else might be uncomfortable? Realizing that she is not the only person in the universe? This is a shocker.
- And it's gone. Yes, Bell, everyone wuvs you, remember.
- You cannot have it both ways, SMeyers. Either Bella is this clueless girl who knows nothing about what is attractive and what isn't, or she's the kind of person knowledgeable enough to know how to "play up the eyes". Not both.
- Is she seriously still obsessed with the reason Ed is out of school? Seriously?
- Shut up, Bella
- "I was wrestling with despair". Me, too. Over how dumb this shit is.
- Why did she go wandering off into dark alleyways? I thought that she was supposed to be from a big city? Pull that shit in Phoenix, see how long you live.
- "My Knight in Shining Volvo! Now nothing can harm me!" Retch
- Eddie is furious, livid, and murderously angry, all in the span of four sentences. You, too, can write a best selling novel armed with only your thesaurus and a large tube of glitter. For inspiration.
- Why does Jess always seem to be suspicious? Is that her main trait? She has suspicious eyes, she asks thinks suspiciously. She just doesn't trust a soul
- Hee. Ed just 'unleashed' his 'talents' on Bella's 'friends'. Yes. I am in fact a twelve year old boy.
- I don't like how he orders her around, and she just does what he says.
- Perpetual savior is he? Ew.
- Ed 'dazzles' her. Shut up, Bella.
- It's so convenient how she gets lost, has friends who are inconsiderate enough not to worry and eat without her, and manages to leave her jacket in one of said friends' car.
- Hah, Eds smells delicious. Like bacon.
- Bella is just so speshul, isn't she?
- Signs you're reading a romance novel: the hero's brow is described as alabaster. If Bella's rose-leaf complexion comes next, you'll be able to hear me cackling for miles.
- Okay, the entire paragraph about Bella chewing her damn ravioli? SO not needed.
- Eddie's skin is cold and hard. Like a stone. I can see, now, why Bella is so attracted.
- He admits to following her and she's flattered. That is not healthy. HE IS STALKING YOU THROUGH YOUR FRIENDS' THOUGHTS, OKAY, THAT IS NOT ROMANTIC.
- And he blows off all the pretty girls for her. Flattering, but at least look at the waitress when she hands you the check, hey, rude-o?
Sim: The creepiness of the stalking, but since I am going a different route, I don't think I'll mention it
Quoteables: See above
Chagrin Tally: 0
Bella so Clumsy Tally: 3
When I Sparkle, My Face Looks Like This: flawless.
Car ride home. Bella asks a few more questions and finds out that Ed followed her scent when she wandered off, he is the only one in his family who can read minds, and HE finds out where she got the idea that he's a vampire. He gets mad at her because she says it doesn't matter, then dispels a bunch of vampire lore. Good times. He drops her off at her house and she moons a bit, deciding that she is irrevocably in love. I cry.
- Oh, man. He can't hear her voice in his head because her thoughts are just do different from everybody else's. Dude, she's a teenage girl. Trust me, they aren't. She's thinking on a different frequency. Yeah, the frequency of crazy.
- Okay. I'm not the biggest fan of vampires already, but even I know that the sun eventually gets to them. Even Dracula had issues with it, although he could go out in the sunlight if he was well-fed. And I realize that it is stupid to get upset because this woman is changing up a mythological creature. But, here's why: first, she neutered them. Then she made them indestructible. So one can never, never get rid of them. We'd kill ourselves in self-defense.
- ARGH. Here she goes again, mourning the loss of a relationship she isn't even in yet. Honestly, it's so overblown that I want to slap somebody.
- Hee. Oh, hee. I forgot that Ed's breath smells like roses. 'Come a little closer, bay-be, you're breath makes me swoon.' Heeheehee. Essence of bear's blood. It's all the rage. Though I don't know that pleasant smelling stuff is supposed to make one light-headed. Perhaps it's more 'essence of ether'?
- Gee, Bells falls in love rather quickly. Also, she apparently has a great ability to repress bad memories. I wish I shared that talent. I could repress this whole book.
Sim: The idea of fangs as other body parts. Ed not wanting to penetrate her or be alone with her.
Quoteables: "'...Sometimes we make mistakes. Me, for example, allowing myself to be alone with you.'" (Pg 187)
Chagrin Tally: 0. I am starting to think that this word doesn't show up as much as I have been told
Bella so Clumsy Tally: 2
When I Sparkle, My Face Looks Like This: Huh. Didn't write em down.
Eds picks Bella up for school. People stare. Jessica is curious. Edward promises Bells that he will be listening to her conversation with Jess to see what she thinks of him, so Bella uses the opportunity to make him compliment her. It's sick. There are more questions about what the vampires do, and what they eat. Bella wants to go hunting with them, and Eds is appalled, but he wont tell her why. I know why, but it has to wait until next chapter. They eat lunch together again. Eds plays Twenty Questions, because he wants to know everything about her. For some reason she likes this idea. He hints that she can't take care of herself. To be fair, he is probably right. Then lunch is over.
- All this talk of Ed's scent is making me hungry. Mmm, the scent of Chalupa
- She has a bad habit of drinking straight from the carton. That is kind of disgusting.
- "It was a colossal tribute to his face that it kept my eyes away from his body" See, Bella wants to get laid. It's so obvious. Too bad Edward must remain Pure and Chaste until marriage.
- For the last time, Eddie, she is NOT thinking. Well, not about anything but your gorgeous face and hot bod, at any rate.
- How is a voice so irresistible? I've heard nice voices; hell, I've heard great voices. I've even heard voices that have given me quite the "rush of estrogen". But I be done seen about everything, when I see an elephant fly! OR hear a voice that is irresistible.
- Bella's so observant that she barely notices her classmates. Good shit.
- Ew. I really don't like her encouraging him to read her friends' minds. At all.
- EW. DO NOT EAVESDROP ON HER FRIENDS' THOUGHTS TO STALK HER, YOU CREEPY VAMPIRE.
- Seriously, Eds is gonna give the poor girl a heart attack if he keeps smiling at her, breathing on her, or hell, looking at her. A person's heart can only take so much
- BELLA, STOP USING YOUR FRIENDS' THOUGHTS TO TRY AND GET COMPLIMENTS FROM YOUR SKEEVY STALKER BOYFRIEND
- Oh, Bells. Let's call a spade a spade: you have trouble with coherency aaaall the time, not just when Eddo is there to dazzle you.
- And hey, Bella, my love? You also think that Eddie's attractiveness covers all of his flaws (ahem, STALKING), so turn down the condescension, mmkay?
****okay, the above really, really bugged me. I mean, here this bitch is, criticizing her friend for doing the same thing she is. What, exactly, does she know about Eds besides "oooh, pretty"? hey, maybe there's something else there, but as all Bella ever goes on about is his perfect effing face and his gorgeous effing body and his delicious Chalupa-y effing breath, one could be forgiven for thinking the only thing she really cares about when it comes to Sparkledick is...well...his sparkledick. (/rant)
- He wants to know everything about Bella...BECAUSE HE'S A CREEPY STALKER!!! WHY DOES SHE NOT GET THIS? WHY? WHYYYY?
- Oh, yay, more dazzling
- Right. I know fishing when I see it, and you, Bella my girl, are casting out for a big one. Tell her she's pretty already, Eds, so we can move on
- This guy is so, so creepy.
- Oh, yes, they only hunt predators. Of course they do. And of course Ed's favorite prey are mountain lions. I have read better stuff in the dregs of ff.net.
Sim: SO CREEPY. THEY ARE BOTH SO CREEPY. DO YOU HIDE IN HER CLOSET, ED? DO YOU?
Quoteables: I got nothing
Chagrin Tally: 0
Bella so Clumsy Tally: 3
When I Sparkle, My Face Looks Like This: unbelievably gorgeous, a Greek god, bewildering perfection, devastating.
Grade: F. There is nothing redeemable about this chapter. Nothing.