In this chapter of "Blando and the Sparkletard", Bella is in such a daze after her talk with Eduardo that she is late to class...and her teacher is less than happy. Mike isn't sitting with her in a fit of pique, so she tries to make herself feel bad about it. It doesn't work, but Mike has forgiven her by the end of class, so it doesn't really matter. All the cool kids make plans to take a trip to a beachy area, and though Bells does her best to act interested and eager, she doesn't really want to go, as it will still be cold. Wah. That sound you hear? Is the world's tiniest violin, playing a mournful tune for our Bellster's horrible fate.
At lunch, she looks for Eds, but cannot find him, until Jess helpfully points out that he is sitting away from his normal table and staring at her. When she looks back, he invites her to sit with him to eat-even though she was so disappointed by not being able to gaze longlingly at him over lunch she did not bother to get any actual food,a nd he doesn't actually ever eat. So what he really does is invite her over to talk some more about how he is bad for her and how he is apparently going to hell for sitting with her - it's that easy, I guess. When the bell rings he informs her that he is skipping Bio, so Bella trips off alone. Only this is the day that they are blood typing themselves, and it just so happens that Poor Bella cannot handle the sight of blood, so she gets all fainty and Mike has to take her to the nurse. Only who should intercept them but Ed, who was apparantly using this hour to himself to listen to music in his car, thereby giving him the perfect vantage point to witness Mike half carrying the weakened Bella across the courtyard, or something. He shows Mike how it is done and sweeps Bells off of her feet - literally, as it happens. Then he finagles it so that she doesn't have to go to class at all for the rest of the day, with his honeyed voice.
He drives her home because she is incapable of handling herself, of course, and he hints some more about how bad for her he is, and how dangerous he can be. Bells says that she isn't afraid of him, but I guess she is lying, and he knows it. It makes him smile, because he is a bit creepy. Eddie asks about her mum, and Bella proceeds to rake her over the coals for being too young for her age. I have to wonder if this girl really likes either of her parents, because it sure doesn't seem so. When he drops her off he insults her yet again before driving away...but with this one, I have to admit that he might have a point...
- You know what kind of freaks me out? That Bella is already so dependent on this guy that he influences her moods and whether or not she can eat. Has she never had a crush before? And why do her friends put up with her? WHY?
- I don't know why Jess' obvious astonishment that Ed wants Bella to sit with him is so insulting. As far as this girl knows, Ed and Bells don't even talk, let alone sit with each other while not eating lunch. Oh, we're going with the jealousy angle, then? Got it.
- Eating lunch condemns you to the fiery pits of hell now? That is awesome. And here I thought I was going for supporting gay marriage or possibly because I have a dashboard Jesus that I make dance at my whim. Good to know that that I was already doomed for having lunch with a *gasp* boy. Sometimes this book is so entertaining.
- "Everyone is so easy to read but you Bella. You are a unigue and special snowflake." Why is she so hard to read, Eds? Because it's hard to read something that isn't there to begin with. But props to him for telling her exactly what she wants to hear.
- Oh, man. The writing here is absurd. "...my stomach was already full-of butterflies"? Really, SMeyers?
- Now his ocher eyes are scorching. And Bella has lost her breath. Again.
- He's not dangerous. He's not. He's about as dangerous as a Disney vampire. No. Actually, I think Disney is a bit to hard core for him
- So it's awe inspiring that Bella ate - or didn't, as the case may be - with a Cullen. How? What do these children do with their lives, if this is the stuff that inspires awe?
- I have to admit that I wouldn't particularly mind being swept up in someone's arms as though I weighed no more than a couple of pounds...
- Wouldn't it have been the best if she had vomited on him? It would have. I would've been in awe.
- So Eds ditched class to sit in his car? How exciting.
- "Fainting spells always exhausted me"? (Italics mine) Always? Does this chick swoon at regular intervals or something?
- Now Ed's voice is melting honey. You know, sticky and sluggish.
- Oh, look, they both love Claire de Lune by Debussy. How different and orinial. This is what Ed ditched class to do? How is this interesting?
- Don't be afraid, Bells. Edward is no more dangerous than a newborn kitten. Actually, given the claws, I think a kitten could take him.
Sim: I think that the eating lunch conversation about hell is totally about purity. He is giving in to his baser instincts, and that is a Bad Thing. Just like sex.
"Well..." He paused, and then the rest of the words followed in a rush. "I decided as long as I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly." (Pg 87)
The Many Faces of The Sparkler: too beautiful to be real, heavenly
Chagrin O-Meter: 0, but I have faith
Grade: C-. Where, oh, where did the funny go?