Lizz (random_glitch) wrote,

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The Great Van Incident

...because you know that's all anyone cares about.


Quick Summary
Bella thinks about Edward. And then thinks about him some more. She's also a little irritated, because it snowed in the night, and now she's almost certainly going to fall, because Lord knows she can barely stand up without toppling over. But Brave Bella surges forward, because she really wants to go to school - not to see her friends or learn (because honestly, who could learn anything at this obviously behind and backward school when she's already done everything that they're currently doing?), but to see Edward. He of the hot and cold emotions and mysteriously color changing eyes. Because crazy boys are more fun!

Luckily for her, she can drive without problems, because her considerate father-who really shouldn't be, considering what a jerk he has for a daughter-put snow chains on her tires. As Bella drives to school, she thinks about how all the boys at Forks want in her pants, and she wants to just be ignored.

When she finally gets to school, she steps out of her truck and is nearly killed by The Van of Destruction and Death. Good thing that Eddie-kins is there to save her at lightning speed, and put major dents in the van whilst doing so. Bella has all the time in the world to notice these things, but not enough time to close her eyes. Then they are all carted off into an ambulance, and she is mad about it. Man, Bella sulks a lot, doesn't she?

At the hospital, Bella gets angry because the guy who nearly killed her wants to apologize, then she is angry because Eddie's dad is in on the cover up of her amazing rescue, then she is angry because Ed won't explain, and after that she is angry because everyone cares so much about the fact that she might have died. She gets even more upset when her father mentions that he called her mom, who of course is completely freaked out. She wants Bella to move back home - apparently forgetting that no one will be there to meet her - but B is reluctant, because she still wants to see more of Crazy!Ed. Of course she does.

Live Commentary
- So B isn't excited to learn, because this school is so behind, OMG. She also isn't excited to see her new friends, which, duh. I mean, she can hardly be bothered to remember their names. All she wants is Eddie-kins, even though he sees more than a little cray-cray (to quote Miss Valerie on PR)

- I love how she's about to be crushed by a runaway van, and she still has the time to notice, in clear detail no less, exactly where Ed is. Doesn't have time to close her eyes, but has the time to note his exact location and the expression of horror on Sparkle-tard(oh, come on, there is NO point in pretending that I don't know he goes all sparkle-fied in the sunlight)'s face.

- Y'know, it really is every girl's dream to have something cold and solid pinning them to the ground. Truly.

- Man, that Bella really is a magnet for trouble, isn't she? Either that, or The Van of Destruction and Death really bears a grudge.

Heh. VoDD: Buahaha! You thought that Pretty Boy could save you, but I will come at you again, for there is no escape! No escape for youuuuuuu!

- Okay. I think I've figured it out. SMeyers had waaaaay too much fun with the thesaurus when she was writing these things.

- Gee, between the power of Ed's blazing, gold-colored eyes, his demanding presence, and his overwhelming voice, it's a mystery how Bella doesn't fall into a swoon...or at least trip over her shoelaces or something.

- I love how angry she gets when she finds out how concerned everyone is for her. Possibly because she knows that if the situation were reversed, she wouldn't be bothered to care as much. Nahh, this chick is not that self aware. She's probably just pissed that it cuts into her Edward Time.

- Wouldn't it be awesome if Queen B really hurt herself by taking off the neck brace the way she did? Seriously, I would laugh and laugh. Too bad.

- This book is ridiculous. She's seriously mad that this Taylor guy is apologizing for nearly killing her? Seriously?

- Hee, Eddie's teeth are brilliant. But do they sparkle?
Edward: Why, yes, they do. I use Crest Whitening. *Lockhart Smile(TM HP2)*

- Dr C is hot, y'all. And he has a great voice. Is it all low and gravelly like JDM's? Because that I could totally get behind. Mmmhmm.

- So the entire school gets to just ignore their classes and wait with bated breath to see if Darling Bella has a concussion? Hell, I wish I'd gone there. "Sorry, but I just can't deal with school, today. New Girl might have a headache!"

- You'd think that after centuries of hiding their sparkle from the world, that these Cullens might have better poker faces.

- Eddie's tone is unfriendly, resentful, and cutting by turns. And then he has the audacity to snap at Our Little Suffering Heroine...which of course makes her wanna cry. Because she's angry about it.

- No, B, darling. If his line were perfectly delivered by a skilled actor, then you probably wouldn't realize it was a line. That's what acting's all about.

- Oh, hee. It's great how he admits that he doesn't know why he bothered saving her. Apparently because he has the decency to not want someone to die if he can help it is NOT the reason. I know we're supposed to find this romantic, but I find the implication that he probably would not have saved someone else kind of creepy, myself.

- And again with the anger that everyone is worried about her. It must suck to have everyone love you so much, eh, Bells?

Sim to Pam: Shut up. We will get there. Perhaps the "sawce box" bit? But actually I have started to think that I want this to be about the issues of virtue in both books, so obviously we wont get anything great until these two crazy kids get together.

Quotables: doesn't that sound like a food? I think I am hungry. No quotes today.

The Many Faces of Sparkletard: Perfect, Glorious, and Stunning. He was also compared to a destroying angel, but I don't really see it.

Grade: B. So I have decided to stop grading on the writing, or even the plot, and mostly on how often it makes me giggle. When it stops making me laugh at it's pure ridiculousness, the grade will go down.
Tags: authors: l - z, book titles: l - z, reviews: books

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